Some thoughts...

It's almost midnight, and I am still awake...again. Another attack. I'm not in as much pain as on Sunday, but it's enough to keep me awake. Earlier this evening, I was in tears again because this... sickness makes me feel so very alone and afraid of everything that could be happening to me, and I'm just... afraid. I want very much to go to the ER again because I sort of feel like that's the only way I can get any relief or comfort, but I know they'll just send me home again to wait for my ultrasound on Thursday. *sigh*.

Anyway, I'm desperately clinging now to God, praying for peace, safety, all that good stuff. But I am agonized that I'm not closer to Him. What if He decided to use this to take me away? I think part of me is terrified because I feel like I'm facing a possible end sometimes. Am I ready to die? I don't think I am. I still struggle with even getting into the Word on a regular basis, I go some periods where I am constantly talking to Him, and some where I hardly think of Him at all. I am wretched and sinful and I am not ready to meet Him face to face. That prospect is even more terrifying than the horrible pain I've been going through this week. I'm very much hoping that He is putting me through this to teach me these things so I can stop being a "lukewarm Christian" (I rather think that's an oxymoron) and start living my life truly and completely for Him.

All this to say, that as I'm sitting here in the dark, alone, in pain, to distract myself from it all I started reading in Matthew, and came across the explanation Jesus gives about the parable of the seeds, and this verse in particular caught my eye (Matthew 13:22):

²² "The seed that fell among the thorns represents those who hear God’s word, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the worries of this life and the lure of wealth, so no fruit is produced."


It has really got me thinking and I figured I'd share. We are definitely wealthy compared to a lot of the world. And I've had lots of cares lately, especially with a new baby to take care of, and now all these health problems from which I very badly want to escape. Am I the seed among the thorns? Am I letting myself be carried away by all these problems in life? Have I been lured by wealth and luxury, paying too much attention to material and relational things rather than my God? It is so hard to see this. I'm certain I'm failing miserably in all these areas. I praise God that He seems to be disciplining me, because I know the Lord disciplines those He loves, but it's still really hard. I'm so tired of being in pain. But I pray that I will continue to praise Him no matter how much harder it gets, and that I will truly learn and actually ACT upon this knowledge to live my life completely and truly for HIM. Because He is the only reason WORTH living for. 

Just some thoughts I'm having, and I hope maybe it'll help someone at least. Or maybe I just want to make people feel sorry for me because I'm in so much pain. Or maybe I'm trying to sound all righteous and Christian-y. I sure hope that's not the deeper motive here. In this case I don't think it is. I think I may actually be learning a lesson.

Anyway, time to go back to reading, and hope very much the pain recedes enough for me to get SOME sleep before Micah wakes up...