Oh, Apathy.

Breanne, this is for you. Because you asked. And I like you a lot, so I'm trying. Just for you.

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I haven't really taken much time to post lately, except for my little guy's birthday of course. I'm sorry to anyone else who noticed besides Bean and has been waiting for more. Frankly, not much is going on right now. Most of the time these days, I'm sitting around on the internet in my pj's for half the morning, occasionally getting up to remove tiny things from Micah's mouth, or to tell him "No touch," and discipline and remove him from the temptation, or to grab a book and read with him (see, I DO do something charming every once in a while!) all whilst telling myself I really should get up, get dressed, and do chores. Then I put Micah down for a nap and somehow justify that time as a time to relax, even though I've essentially done nothing. And then he wakes up, we eat, and then I look around the house and decide something REALLY needs to be done. Usually at this point, a half-hearted effort is made to do some chores and tidy up before Scott gets home. Once he's home, it's back to doing nothing, this time with him.

I know, this definitely doesn't paint a very good picture of me. (Which, speaking of pictures, I'm also sometimes tempted to give up on, since I cannot seem to improve anything when it comes to my picture skills, and it's frustrating to no end.) I think I'm kind of stuck in a rut right now. I've made lots of effort in the past to do things like exercise, eat healthy, keep the house looking nice, do something fun and productive with my precious son, take lots of pictures, think of new ways to spend time together as a family, come up with a schedule, etc. etc. I'm just feeling really tired of how tedious it can all get. I have hardly any motivation right now to do anything. I feel like I don't really even care about anything right now. I'm not sad, just...seriously apathetic. The sun has been shining for days, and I've made no effort to get outside and enjoy it. To top it all off, the one thing I actually AM trying to do in a certain type of ministry, I'm failing miserably at, and I'm seriously considering calling it quits, because God just does not seem to be holding the door open for me with it. I HAVE been cooking dinner most of the time, learning new recipes, and perfecting my skills at making a menu every week that's somewhat healthy and affordable. I have also been getting into the Word lately, and genuinely enjoying that time. But I know that I'm also being really idle a lot these days. And I know that's not what Jesus called me to do.

So, after the weekend, I want to start fresh. I plan on using the next few days to make a chore schedule that may actually be doable. I intend to start setting aside at least half an hour to sit down with Micah, and read books with him, or play with him, practice new skills with him, and just overall build an even better relationship with him. I want to continue spending quiet time with my God daily. I want to beat this sluggish body and discipline myself to approach the daily tasks I must do with energy and get them done in a timely manner. I also want to start at least disciplining myself to go on a walk every day with Micah, even if I'm not exercising in any other way. I also intend to create a list this weekend of things we can all do together when Scott is home, unplugged.

As I'm thinking about all this, I'm remembering something I heard not too long ago, that the wife is the one who sets the tone in the household. If she is happy, her husband and children tend to be as well. If she is frustrated and upset, her family will also be. I've started noticing that my laziness and the fact that I just don't care about anything right now appears to be affecting Scott too, even though he may not even realize it. I need to change this around. If you want, feel free to call, e-mail, or comment and help keep me accountable. I will try to update this every week and share what I've changed throughout the week.

And now, Micah just woke up. Time to feed him and maybe go for a walk. :)